


the butterflies got drowned in cheap wine and tears (but i think they’re still buried in my chest)

by atitforatat



Series: the romance series [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Confused Bokuto, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Police Officer Sawamura Daichi, Polyamory, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou, Researcher Kuroo Tetsurou, but please be careful?, it's really slightly implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atitforatat/pseuds/atitforatat
Summary: When Kuroo coughs up the first petals, Bokuto is the one who’s lost.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi, Bokuto Koutarou/Sawamura Daichi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi
Series: the romance series [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673896
Comments: 23
Kudos: 83





	1. somebody's stuck in our head

**Author's Note:**

> Finally it came out, it will be pretty heavy to write but I craved some angst so...  
> I also crave long ass titles apparently  
> I simply can't make small things, I'm sorry for that
> 
> It was based on [Bad Kind of Butterflies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54ykkqROlc) and the hanahaki disease legend because it was my childhood dream to write something with it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly an introduction and i promise the next chapters will be longer, but this won't be long, 3 to 5 chapters at most
> 
> English is not my first language and this is unbeta'd so pls forgive me for any mistakes and enjoy c:

In that morning, when he first saw the small white petals on the ground and their slightly reddish aspects around the border, Koutarou could only think _beautiful_. They formed a trail, starting from their bed’s foot and went on. He followed them curiously, suspecting that maybe Tetsu could have prepared some surprise for him, maybe they were celebrating before he traveled again. Only happy thoughts crossed his mind since he wouldn’t let any other kind get near him.

The trail led him to the bathroom and, if it was any other situation, Koutarou would still think it was a beautiful scene. But seeing Tetsu cough and throw out petals that only seemed to get redder was doing nothing but terrifying him. In some of them, he couldn’t pinpoint the white anymore, and, if he hadn’t seen the others, he would’ve thought they were purely red.

Koutarou also didn’t know if the coughing was too loud or Tetsurou was too lost, but he didn’t seem to notice his presence. Tetsurou was sitting on the bathroom floor, head bent down, and his arms were holding his throat. He was facing the toilet bowl but apparently didn’t have the strength to get there. His shirt was still lost somewhere in their bedroom and he was only wearing his boxers, so it made sense he was shivering. But Koutarou had a hunch it wasn’t merely from the cold.

“Are you shocked by the scene or from the blood, Bo? Anyway, help me get up, this floor is fucking freezing.” Tetsu was trying to sound cheeky and calm about the whole thing, for his sake or Koutarou’s, who knew, but the tremor in his voice and his shaking hands gave him away on the spot.

He was just as shocked, and probably scared, as any other person would be. He kept his head down and turned to the other side, making sure Koutarou didn’t see his face. Making sure they wouldn’t look in each other’s eyes.

It only made things scarier.

Koutarou got out of his stupor and helped the other man to sit on the toilet, running to the bedroom and getting him a blanket. They would have to talk about _this_. Koutarou listened to everything Kuroo told him about his research and they both were very aware of that.

Knowing they would have to talk about it didn’t make _talking about it_ any easier though. How to start a conversation where the main topic is your boyfriend showing the symptoms of a disease caused by unrequited love? He would give all the money in the world to have a manual right now. He probably would double the amount if things could get back to normal already.

“Bo… I don’t even know how to start this…”

“You love someone else then.”

“Well, actually, _we_ love someone else. At least is the same person, you know.”

And hell broke loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it c:


	2. what do we do when you say 'i love you' but you're dying for somebody else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, here comes the second chap  
> hope you guys enjoy it c:
> 
> English is not my first language and it's unbeta'd so I'm sorry for any mistakes

In that morning, when he first saw the small white petals on the ground and their completely red aspect, Koutarou couldn’t think anything. He only remembered they were white because he saw them in their original color the morning before. He hoped, truly hoped, it was just a bad dream and Tetsurou wouldn’t be coughing and throwing up in the bathroom again, even if he already knew it was their reality now.

He also knew the red parts were blood, _Tetsu’s_ blood, and didn’t feel like moving at all. Koutarou always hated that their toilet was so far from their bedroom, but, right now, he thanked its distance since it was the only thing protecting from embracing reality. His only wish was to stay in bed, daydreaming about a nicer meaning for those petals.

He knew he was expected to support Tetsurou since he was the main victim here, and half of him wanted to also be there for his other half, but he was so hurt. The other half of him was putting out petals in the name of someone that wasn’t him. Kuroo’s body turned itself against him in the name of Bokuto not being enough. In the name of what they had not being enough.

They didn’t talk about it yesterday and the gray-haired man didn’t feel like doing it today either. When Kuroo said _they_ loved someone else, he felt like throwing up. Even now, his stomach seemed to revolt. But, by the sound of his stomach, it wouldn’t be flowers that got out. All of his years of growing up and strengthening his mind were thrown out. Tetsurou loved someone else. Bokuto didn’t find it in him to ask for explanations over the “we”, his mind was already stuck in the fact that Kuroo loved someone else.

He wasn’t enough again. When Akaashi said his goodbye and went to wherever the hell he was right now, he said what they had wasn’t enough for him to feel accomplished. He never thought they could grow together or anything alike and just left. And Koutarou never blamed him for it, because at the time it made sense.

Ironically, Tetsurou was the one who put his pieces together again. Beloved Tetsurou, who knew him since before high school and was always there, the constant presence in his life throughout every fucked-up situation he ever dealt. Tetsurou, who treated him like an unsolved puzzle and, after resolved, framed him and adored him like anyone never did. The same one who was now throwing out petals for somebody else.

The one who went the whole day without looking him in the eye and didn’t say anything while embracing him when he cried and trembled until tiredness lulled him to sleep.

The same Tetsurou who was now crouched over the toilet bowl again, throwing out and not even pretending not to be falling to pieces.

Today he was fully dressed, with a blanket over his shoulders, but still shivering from head to toe. Koutarou could only hug him and say soothing things that he didn’t believe in but that would make them both feel better for the moment.

It took long minutes until Tetsurou could try to regain his breath. Koutarou didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Tetsu letting him shoulder his whole weight, his back glued to his chest while Koutarou just listened to his breathing sounds. Kuroo put his head on his shoulder, accommodating himself even though he was the taller one, so Bokuto saw the red and wet face. The signs of crying were all over there for him to see.

He would switch places with Kuroo in a blink.

“I think it’s time to talk, right?”

Bokuto’s own voice sounded strange. He didn’t feel like himself with such a raspy tone. Tetsurou’s grabbed his arms and he hugged himself with both of their arms, intertwining their fingers in the process. Koutarou felt everything was okay again, just for a fraction of time. The worse was yet to come, he was sure of that.

Tetsurou gulped and breathed sometimes, he was preparing himself to talk but Bokuto didn’t feel like listening just yet even if he was the one to propose it. He chose the coward’s way and bought himself some time, even if it was some mere seconds. “Let’s get you a cup of water before, okay?”

Kuroo just nodded and waited for him to get up. When Bokuto offered his hand in help, Tetsurou held it as his life depended on it. He let it go only when he sat at the kitchen counter so Bokuto could get him his water. “I think I’ll make tea, want some?”

Tetsu was smart, he knew it was a way of making him say something, _anything,_ but, apparently, he didn’t feel like cooperating just now. He just shook his head and drank his water. He drank it so fast Bokuto was a bit startled, the state of his throat was clearly a worrisome one.

“Bo… I fell in love with someone, but I don’t wanna talk about it until I talk about… _this_ first. So, please, just hear me out?”

He was devasted. Tetsurou said each word with an effort like they were taking a huge toll on him. Bokuto didn’t know if it was from the thing growing in his lungs or simply the heaviness of the world around their shoulders. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know anything right now, but nodded, nonetheless.

‘The ray of ignorance only lasts so long, Bokuto-san.’, it was something Akaashi always told him and it was just nice how his ex-boyfriend kept coming back to his mind right now. He hated the sensation of déjà vu. He hated everything.

Everything, minus Kuroo. And, if he hated Kuroo, obviously this all would hurt so much less. It was also going to be a huge loss because loving Tetsurou was one of the most beautiful things he did. Hitting a nice spike and seeing Tetsurou’s eyes shine when he said ‘I love you’ were the meaning of his life like seeing Akaashi smile at him once was and, honestly, he didn’t want to deal with losing the meaning of his existence once again. Didn’t know if he could even deal with it this time.

While Bokuto was lost in his own head, Kuroo was obviously gone too. He was looking at a fixed spot in the counter, mouth slightly open, the only movement being the one from his chest. When he felt himself being watched, he snapped out of his stupor and sighed. “I hate how this will go, but I need to talk about my research.”

“You know, because I know you listen to my rants about it, that I study weird diseases that seem legend-like but are real and unexplainable. Hanahaki is one of them. I’m actually a specialist in this and the star-tear one, but you know this. So, I – “

“Do it like you’re ripping a band-aid, Tetsu”, the last Koutarou wanted was one of the cited rants. He said in such a small voice, so different from the raspy tone he used earlier, but still completely out of his character. He felt like a kid imploring for forgiveness from their parents and he didn’t want to go to _that_ place right now. He didn’t want to feel like a rejected and weak kid again. 

Tetsurou finally looked at his eyes and, almost in an unconscious way, he begged again. “Please”, but his voice was so low he feared Tetsurou didn’t listen. “Well, cutting all of the crap, Hanahaki starts slowly in most cases, you drop some petals here and there and it takes weeks before the amount of stuff I put out appears.”

Apparently, he heard him. He seemed even more anxious about going to the main point directly. A coughing fit started and Koutarou brought him more water. He could already see his hands shaking and his eyes filling with tears. He hoped it was only a nice cry coming by.

“Bo, it started yesterday and the check-up I did shows there are too many flower buds in my lungs, and they are already crawling towards my throat. The roots are also making their way into my heart way too fast. Usually, this happens in like three months. It happened in 24 four hours, do you see where I’m getting at, right?”

“Kou, I know how this sounds awful, but I need you more than – “

Koutarou wasn’t listening anymore. His ears were ringing, he knew it was from the blood going crazy or something because Kuroo told him once. His vision was blurred, and nothing made much sense, he only knew the tears were streaming down and his hands were trembling, probably his whole body too and he felt himself falling. There was a distinct feeling of being held, but there wasn’t much for him to do about it.

His mind was all over the place, images of Tetsurou’s funeral, and whoever the hell he loved being there to comfort him, and his friends, and _Daichi,_ how would they tell _Daichi_ about it? He would be so heartbroken, and now his breath wasn’t coming in anymore. The worst possible thoughts came to his mind and he just wanted to shut down. The worst outcomes of everything were coming to him, he knew he was now hugging his knees and simply shaking and trembling, he hated himself for throwing out years of mental health care, but he just couldn’t _stop_ it, not when Tetsurou loved someone else and was so distant. He was becoming unapproachable just like Akaashi did and Koutarou dealt with that crying over Tetsurou’s lap.

He couldn’t do it again since Kuroo was the one leaving this time. His head was buzzing, he didn’t want to _think_ anymore. He wanted to get out of his own skin and hide somewhere. It felt like this with his parents, it felt like this with Akaashi’s departure, it felt like each awful moment he had.

“Bo, Bo, please, come out. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, please, I’m right here. Come and see me”

He wanted to reach out so hard, but it seemed so distant. He didn’t want to open his eyes because the tears made them heavy. His head also hurt just from thinking about opening them. He wanted to sleep, to be unconscious for a few times and be there. “Bo, please, I am right here, just reach out”, there was a pleading in his voice, and it didn’t make him come out and be better, but it made Kuroo sound a bit more real. A bit more like his Tetsu did.

Opening his eyes was a mistake. The lights hurt and he finally realized Tetsurou was almost crushing him in his embrace. He was still shaking, and his throat didn’t want the air to enter, Kuroo understood it and started holding him weakly, just touching him, really. He got used to the clarity and looked where they were, and how.

They were still on the kitchen floor, his back was facing the oven, which reminded him of the water boiling, but he let it go. His knees were glued to his chest and his arms were holding them there. Kuroo was crouched, looming over him. His hands were now in his shoulder and he was searching for something in Koutarou’s eyes. He seemed to find it since he sighed contently and sat down.

“Do you want me to stop for now and give you some time to breathe?”

“Just do it already, _please”_

And he did.

Koutarou always knew Tetsurou was a nerd and a genius, but he never expected to be reminded of it in such a hurtful manner. This time he didn’t cut to the point and explained everything, tried to make some jokes but gave up when he saw Koutarou’s hurt expression. All of him was hurt and he didn’t intend to try hiding it. He felt robbed somehow, hating every second of Kuroo’s monologue.

He could only think of one thing, during and after listening to Kuroo’s heartfelt speech, and it was “who do you think about when you kiss me, Kuroo?”

“Bo, that’s not it, didn’t you just listen? I love you, I loved you and I’ll always love you, but I also – “

“Who do you think about? Is it an old love? Is it a new one? Is it a celebrity? WHO DO YOU THINK ABOUT? FUCKING TELL ME”

“Bo, please…”

“I just need to know, Tetsu, please, rip this band-aid for me, uh?”

“You haven’t listened, for fuck’s sake? I think about you, I love you, please, hear me out…”

“Don’t do this to me, please? Don’t you see I’m falling to pieces here? Kuroo, I’ve never been enough to anyone, my parents, my friends, Akaashi, and now to you, I just truly need to know. Do you think I’m the best thing you ever had, or do you just think I’m the best you got until now? Oh my god, I have so many thoughts about the whole monologue you just gave me, but I can only think that again I wasn’t _enough,_ and I truly wanted to be. I don’t want to go down this path, but it’s impossible, you know?”

“I’m not even sure if I truly wanna know who’s in your head right now”

The tears were dropping again, but not only his. Tetsurou looked broken. Truly and completely devasted and it hurt Koutarou even _more._

“You’re my head, you’re in my heart, Bo, please, you heard me, but you haven’t listened to me. I’ll start again, please do it for yourself. Or for me, or for whoever you think, just listen to me, _please,_ okay?”

And Koutarou tried hard to shut his own thoughts this time. Every time he felt himself slipping towards them, he would hold Tetsu’s hand and squeeze it hard enough to divert his mind.

In this long process of listening and merely talking, they spent half of the day almost in the same position. Seated across each other, eyes facing the other’s ones and, sometimes, hands interlaced. Koutarou felt his lower back starting to ache and suspected Tetsurou was feeling the same.

The boiled water was long forgotten and wouldn’t make do for tea, neither of them ate anything nor had the energy to do anything, so lunch would be takeout food. But Koutarou had too much going on in his mind to call, so Tetsurou decided to do everything by himself. He had some coughing fits, but none were bad as the morning one. Slowly, at each new one, more than just petals were coming out of his mouth, and Bokuto was terrified again.

He had a better hold of himself now and felt he could handle this without crying or having a crisis again.

But knowing what he did now, he felt guilty. Apparently, Kuroo’s situation was so fast and so bad because he was feeling the rejection of two people. The coughing fits coming up each time Bokuto said he felt like shit and being rejected and not being sufficient were enough proof he was affected by Bokuto too.

But they weren’t as bad as the morning ones and it all had an even worse explanation. Kuroo told him that, when we’re dreaming, we don’t know what’s real and what’s not so his mind was fully believing anything that happened in his dreams. And, in his dreams, he was rejected by both of the men he loved. Thus, leading to his morning fits being so strong.

But Kuroo wasn’t only feeling rejected by two guys, as he was also feeling rejected for two people. His feelings of rejection were deeper, therefore clearing up why he was the one who shouldered the burn, but someone else was feeling something in their relationship, and Bokuto felt even _worse._

He didn’t even know he had feelings for someone besides Kuroo, he didn’t even _want_ to. But Kuroo never blamed him, didn’t talk down to him at any moment, or discussed how he shouldn’t feel like shit because it was literally and _physically_ hurting him too. He simply didn’t want Koutarou to hate himself over someone else again, even “if this person is me. Especially if it’s me. I don’t want to be the reason behind anything besides your smiles, Bo. I am so sorry.”

And it made impossible for Koutarou to hate him. It made it slightly easier to hate himself actually, because, honestly, did he even deserve this man? He thought he didn’t. He knew for sure he didn’t.

But he wanted him so _badly._ Even wanting him made Koutarou feel things he didn’t before.

Kuroo wasn’t a need like Akaashi and his parents had been. Kuroo is his and vice-versa in the name of want and the freedom of being each other’s company without the dependence. They were their own men, but they were better with each other and it was reason enough to stay. It always had been until now.

“Food’s here, let’s eat on the couch, uh? Let me help ya, Bo.”

Kuroo almost carried him to the couch since his legs weren’t working properly and his soul seemed to have left his body. When his bum hit the soft cushions, memories came rushing back.

The first night they spent in this flat they called Daichi and Kenma to celebrate the fact that they got a _flat_ in fucking _Tokyo_ and _together._ They fucked right there to mark the place right after Daichi left with the trash bags (because he was an angel in their lives). It was also the first time they told each other ‘I love you’.

Before that, it was just a friends-with-benefits thing where they spent nights over Bokuto’s old place or Kenma and Kuroo’s house and didn’t talk much. It was three years ago, just after he got into the Jackals’ team.

It’s been three years of dream-like days, playing in the team he always dreamed of and having the love he always fantasized about.

His happiness was like a house of cards and some fucked up wind just blew it all. Tetsurou kept silent while they ate. He said a lot, but he didn’t say who was the cause of it all. They had the same circle of friends, with some slight differences in proximity. Bokuto apparently had a crush too, so it couldn’t be someone from Kuroo’s research team. Maybe one of the v-ball guys?

It was 3 pm when Tetsurou got up and ran to the bathroom. Koutarou snapped out of his depressed state and ran after him, afraid one of the bad ones were coming. He didn’t feel ready for another round. This was taking a bigger toll than predicted on both of them.

Kuroo was already bent down the toilet, tears flooding and falling along with the blood-soaked petals. Koutarou couldn’t do much besides draw circles in his back muscles, trying to comfort him somehow, letting him know he was there, and reassuring him that they would go through with this together. He didn’t know any of this for sure.

Daichi chooses the worst moment ever to be out of town. He would know what to do, what to say, and how to treat each of them perfectly. Kuroo would also feel more at ease having him there. He didn’t call him, nor did Kuroo, but he knew they both just wanted him there. With them.

Kuroo coughed up for some ten minutes before turning his body to Bokuto and resting the back of his head on the now-closed bowl. “I am so sorry, Bo”, each word punctuated by a new string of petals coming out of his mouth and tears running down his face. His voice was weak and oh so _broken,_ Koutarou hugged him, petals and all, and held carefully like the frailest thing was in his hands.

In some ways, it was.

His legs were stretched on the cold blueish tiles and Bokuto was virtually sitting on him by now. It would have been sexy and lead to nice things if it wasn’t so tragic.

Oh, what he wouldn’t do to have Daichi here.

He didn’t know if he tried drying the tears or if he just stayed there. He wanted a manual, a cure, anything. Well, there was a cure, but he didn’t want to even think about Kuroo not being able to love anyone after this, even if it wouldn’t be him, Kuroo was a person of love. He was a sap. He was a bone-deep romantic and the bitter irony of a bunch of flowers taking it from him was so, so hateful.

It reminded him that he didn’t know yet which flower was this. He knew from Kuroo previous energetic rants about this hanahaki thing that the flower, or flowers, always had a special meaning to the victim. He weighed the option of asking about it and what new harm it would bring to their delicate situation. When he decided it was bad enough already and the flower was the lesser of the problems, he decided to ask.

“Which flower is this?”, he picked up one of the less bloody petals that fell before Tetsu made to the toilet and analyzed it. He didn’t know shit about plants and only knew this one had small petals in the form normal flowers had and were white. Its tip had a sort of yellow halo, it probably had a yellow center. Some of the ones on the ground were yellow with orange borders and were attached to some white petals, probably almost whole flowers then.

It must have hurt like hell to feel these things going from your throat to your mouth. Koutarou couldn’t even grasp the sensation. He dropped the petal he was studying and turned to Tetsu again. Tetsurou watched him in silence when he was holding the petal and only answered when they were facing again.

“It’s a Daffodil”, he said simply in a hoarse voice. His left eye twitched nervously, showing he had more to talk about it, but his throat was aching enough for him not to use it more than necessary. Bokuto pondered the next question carefully and feared its answer somehow, but went on, nonetheless.

“What does it mean to you?”

The air, always filled with tension and untold fears these days, got even heavier. There was a scary quietness between them, being somethings broken by Kuroo taking gulps of air or coughing slightly. Bokuto only realized at that moment that spending most of the day on the cold floor probably did Kuroo no good.

“You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”

“It’s his favorite flower, Bo.”

And Bokuto wished he didn’t know it, because suddenly it all clicked. The green monster put its head out of the box where it was kept locked up and roared. Of course, it was _him._ Only he was worth losing Bokuto and his health. It was so fucking _obvious._

When Kuroo saw the change in his expression, a stream of apologies came out. He gave up on breathing in order to apologize faster. It was even worse than anything else. “I am so sorry, Bo, so so sorry. It’s something I’ve never realized and one day it hit me, and it kept growing until…”

“Until your brain and body decided to kill themselves over not having him.”

His sentence carried a certain finality to it he didn’t want to think about just yet, but Kuroo’s expression told him he was more than ready to discuss it. It also told him that Kuroo was hurt by it. Bokuto felt like a son of a bitch, but he waited for the coughing fits just to see he mattered equally. They never came. Not even a weak one.

Kuroo was hurt, but it was also the truth so his body silent agreed. His own system would kill itself over not having their beloved one but it was okay with losing him. And he felt even worse thinking about it, but after all those years of not having the right to claim anything for him, why the only thing he could call his would be taken away too?

Kuroo’s love wasn’t only his, maybe never have been. He hit the starting line again: he wasn’t enough. When compared to other people, people like one of their oldest friends, who was saving people’s lives for a living and taking the free time to take care of his friends’ lives, when compared to this kind of people, Bokuto wasn’t enough, wasn’t good. He wasn’t the chosen one.

“Being dumped by Akaashi because he knew he could only grow without me hurt less than your body telling me it didn’t want me while killing itself.”

And he felt like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but he got up and left the bathroom anyway. He wanted to cry and scream and hide under the bed until everything went back to normal. He wanted to hate Kuroo so much, but nothing he thought about made it easier. He wanted to hate Daichi for being the chosen one, but he couldn’t either.

He had a crush on him, after all. Which made sense because everyone had a crush on Daichi since he was literally boyfriend, husband, and whatever the hell material. On the other hand, no one had to watch their boyfriend’s body kill itself for it. It wasn’t only psychological stuff, Kuroo’s body virtually chose to die over not having Daichi and it was hurting him so bad even though he didn’t know why he was jealous of such a self-destructive proof of love.

A love that could kill you and your body was accepting it, it sounded like the most problematic shit he ever heard, but it was also the biggest thing a person could unconsciously do in the name of loving someone else. And Kuroo was being loved by him, but it didn’t stop his _nature_ to decide what it wanted. And it didn’t want Koutarou.

Thinking about it, Daichi wasn’t choosing him either. Neither Daichi nor Kuroo choose him in the end. Koutarou heard Kuroo’s voice in the hall. He was on the phone, trying to talk low probably, but Koutarou fell into the warming embrace of sleep with the words “I need you here, Sawamura.”

It was around 4 pm and a half when he fell asleep.

It was precisely 9 pm when he felt the first cough coming up. When he sat up on the bed and coughed more, he saw the petals.

“Oh, Bo, what did you do?”, said a terrified Daichi while entering the room.

“I think I got sick of –”, but his sentence was never finished as more petals and coughing came out.

The white petals with bloody parts sitting gently on his legs were the last thing he saw before darkness took him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you have enjoyed it!! next chapter is truly the last one, please tell me your thoughts about c:  
> see ya
> 
> Edit: I'm terribly sorry that I wasnt able to post the last one this weekend, it'll come this week or the next


	3. come here and sit next to us (look out for us while we're breaking)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I wanna say I'm sorry for taking so damn much and thank you all for not giving up on this (or me hahaha)  
> I hope the wait is worth it and I truly hope you enjoy this  
> Happy holidays to y'all and I hope the next year is better for all of us!
> 
> With all that said, I present you with the last chapter!
> 
> ps: yes, I pulled the "Christmas miracles" trump card, I AM NOT SORRY

In that morning, when he first saw the small completely blood-soaked petals on the ground and their full meaning hit him again, Koutarou could only think that _it hurt like hell_. It was his third week after his coughing started and life was kind of back to normal. He started training again, fewer hours per week and he wasn't attending any games that required traveling, but, all in all, he went back to reality.

In truth, nothing was normal since he didn't remember how awful was to live alone after you got used to sharing space with somebody else, and he missed Tetsurou and Sawamura more than anything in the world, but he truly needed the time off. He knew he was being everything a very pissed off Kozume called him, and maybe even worse, but he needed some time for himself.

Sawamura never commented on the fact that he was being treated as the homewrecker, he didn't even brush the subject after Koutarou passed out, probably the mixed stress of coughing up and seeing the third party of the whole mess was the reason behind him fainting.

Daichi came up to him, woke him up and gave him some food (that he probably brought along, since _he_ was like that), made some tea, and sat with both of them on the couch. He did in a few hours what Tetsurou and he couldn't in two whole days.

But what Koutarou didn't need at that moment was to be reminded of what a great human being Sawamura was. He could even grasp his own heart beating a bit faster every time Daichi's knees brushed his own, his hand lightly touched his shoulder or how he turned his body in Koutarou's direction when talking to him. He could feel and understand that those simple gestures showed a very repressed feeling, he just wasn't sure he could call it love.

His two experiences at love had been very loud and clear. You could see it in his every action. Shouyou once told him that he could tell he and Tetsurou got together just from seeing how he spiked at a certain angle. It made sense and it was the most direct way someone had addressed his "in love" demeanor. Koutarou wouldn't see love in every single thing but being in love was an intrinsic part of who he was. He controlled it way better now than he did it with Akaashi, but his new partner matched him in it, so he never got to really think about being careful or whatever. Tetsurou jumped head-on with him, he was 100% on board, he was so sure of them just like Koutarou was.

Kuroo was a being of love too, and if it wasn't Koutarou, he would be in love with somebody else. For fuck's sake, he was in love with two people at the same time already. He was loudly in love; at that point, his body was painting their bathroom in red just to make a point of how much in love he was.

Bokuto's own body was doing the same. Every love he ever had was loud, flashy. Everybody could see it. His feelings for Sawamura, _their_ feelings for him, were frightening because they came in silence, like a snake. Every person and thing Bokuto ever loved were part of him, the feelings caused by those things and people made a lot of noise. How could Daichi's be so subtle?

It all came like small steps until it hit him. Until it hit both of them. It scared him senseless. He didn't know if it meant that Sawamura was soft and gentle or if it was his heart that gave up on throwing a party every time a new love arrived.

Now that his sky had too many clouds, Koutarou liked to remember that Tetsurou was once loudly in love with him too. It was a scary thought to consider this _once_ could have such a sad end. Tetsurou asked him to believe and trust, but it was really hard.

He had a history of not being enough, it didn't have anything to do with Tetsurou, Sawamura, and this thing going on, but it had everything to do with himself. So, he asked for some time, got a hotel room close to the training center, and used his work to let out some steam.

Unfortunately, the flowers were starting to affect his longs, so his physical resistance seemingly decreased. This whole thing was starting to mess with stuff he fought so much to have, it was threatening to make everything disappear. He didn't want this kind of love. He and Tetsurou were together because being together was better than _not_ being. Right now, both sucked.

Sawamura was the one who got involved in all of that without doing anything. He was an incredible person and everyone who had the chance would be in love with him. Koutarou could say that because he probably was part of the "being in love".

But, again, it didn’t feel like _love_.

Tetsurou was getting worse, he knew that. Kenma made a point of calling almost every day updating him on how his condition was worsening and making it very clear that it was all his fault. Koutarou agreed he was wrong about running away from it, but he refused to be guilty about everything going on.

It felt like love the squeezy in his own heart when he thought about Tetsu and his health. It felt like love when Tetsu called him and said “take your time” even though both were aware that time was something they didn’t have to spare. It felt like love when Tetsu said he loved right now just as he loved him before.

He knew, in some deep and very conscious part of his mind, that he refused to take the feelings he had for Daichi in because he didn’t know how to handle them. He never loved two people at the same time; he only had eyes for one; he always believed in that _the one and only_ bullshit. He understood the possibility of polyamory but never thought it was for him. A friend of Shouyou had something like this and was very happy to explain it to them, but Koutarou never really enjoyed the sharing thing.

He knew they, Tetsu and him, were their own people, but it scared him senseless what could come out of adding another person in the mix.

And, to make it worse, they didn’t have time to process. It just hit them in the gut, and they had like two weeks before Tetsu got to a point where he wouldn’t be to recover. Koutarou took way longer than that just to get over Akaashi. He didn’t want to get over Tetsu. A small part of him could admit it didn’t want to let go of Sawamura either.

It was the most bizarre thing, how he didn’t want to accept this feeling that literally broke them apart and, at the same time, he refused to let go of it for God knows what reason. Was it that he was an intrinsic romantic and every love was precious to him?

Or he simply didn’t know how to categorize romantic and platonic friendship-like feelings?

_Maybe dealing with it alone wasn’t my best move,_ thought Koutarou, feeling loneliness reverberate within his bones. The hot bath he decided to take after coming from a medical appointment and a battery of tests that lead to the same conclusion (he was sick of love) getting cold by the second and making him feel even more lost.

A new cough fit started and Koutarou just wants to sink in the bathtub. No one came to hug him or say soothing words while he went through it. Knowing he was the one who made that choice has made it all hurt more.

He felt abandoned even though he was the one who jumped from the boat.

The doctor recommended a therapist. He didn’t want to say at the time, because the doctor seemed really worried and wanted to help, but he already had a therapist. He was running from his appointments since the first petal came out.

Finally getting out of the tub, which was freezing by now, Koutarou didn’t mind getting dressed and simply went after his phone. It was probably time to call this what it was, a problem. Still shaking from the pain in his throat, he typed the numbers.

It was also time to stop hiding, he guessed.

**X**

Two days later, Koutarou was feeling just like in his first session. His heart was beating a lot and his hands were sweating so fucking much. Hitoka knew all his problems since he was a teen, yet he still felt kinda shy whenever he skipped too many appointments. It was more due to guiltiness than true shyness, he knew.

Inside the elevator, he fumbled with the buttons before remembering the right floor. The main reason behind his return to therapy made the experience feel ten times worse than usual. Actually, he liked his therapist a lot and was very thankful to her, he also enjoyed therapy, but, right now, it sounded like the harshest thing to go through in the world.

“Good morning, Bokuto. Dr. Hitoka will receive you in a minute, okay?”

The smiling receptionist, Shimizu, worked in the clinic since he started going there. She was always smiling and offering cookies, on the first time he went there, she always helped him calm down. Today, though, it wasn’t working.

He couldn’t stay put, his hands started shaking beside the sweating and he was about to have another one of his crises. However, he had no Tetsu to hug him through it right now.

The sound of Hitoka’s voice brought him to his senses, still on the brink of breaking again, but he felt secure enough that he could hold himself up until they got to the therapy room. “What brings you here today, Koutarou?”

And hell broke loose (again).

Koutarou told her everything. Told her things she already knew, like Tetsurou, what they had, the meaning, and the weight of it. He repeated his self-made mantra of fearing not being enough again. But, mostly, he spoke about Sawamura.

“We were friends. He and Tetsu were best friends, me, and him, we are great friends. Between being friends and this, I don’t know what happened. He used to date this guy from his high school time, they broke it off recently, like three to four months ago? I don’t know if it started there. I don’t know if I want to know when it started.”

Because it didn’t matter knowing the _when_. Whenever it was, he was already with Kuroo and he didn’t want to feel like a cheater. He knew it wasn’t cheating because you didn’t stop being attracted to other people just because you were in love or in a relationship, but his body was making it clear it wanted both or it would choose death. This choice felt like cheating just like he felt cheated when Kuroo first told him.

Koutarou didn’t want to call it a problem, but there wasn’t another way of calling it, not right now. Hitoka listened quietly the whole time, only moving to offer him a tissue when he started crying. While he spoke, he realized how much more he was holding in all those days. He also realized how much Tetsurou must have been holding too. Or Daichi.

Yes, Daichi. Who fell in the middle of their mess without ever asking too, yet he went and helped them, nonetheless. Because he was just like that. How could they not fall in love with him, right?

He caught himself talking about all the things Sawamura did for him and for Tetsurou, all the moments his presence was just enough, all the highs and lows he rode with them. He ended understanding why Daichi was so _loveable_.

“Koutarou, do you realize the path your words are following now? You seem to treat this situation as the three of you are doomed, but, at the same type, you just keep saying it was inevitable for you two to love Sawamura. I understand that the pressure of Hanahaki is making it harder to process the whole situation, but I’d like you to think about why, besides the disease, this is a problem.”

Hitoka told him that his homework was to try and go back home. “Being alone right now is not gonna help you, and you had two coughing fits in less the one hour, it’s dangerous to be alone now. It doesn’t have a date limit or something, just try, ok?”

Koutarou promised to try. At least that he could.

But, before trying to do that, he needed to understand _why_ it didn’t seem like a problem to her. His and Tetsu’s bodies they were willing to die if they didn’t have Daichi, yet Hitoka said, besides the disease, that it wasn’t a fuckup.

Instead of going directly to the hotel, Koutarou decided to wander through Tokyo. It was still 4 pm and people were walking with their shopping bags, smiling faces, and overall happy demeanor. Just then, Bokuto realized it was nearing Christmas. _What a fucking great gift_ , he thought.

It was the 22nd. In two days, it would be Christmas Eve and he didn’t get gifts for anyone. Maybe he could do some Christmas shopping?

It was one of his favorite holidays even though it was a foreign one. He liked to think, at least in the previous years, that he embodied the Christmas spirit. He wore red and green to literally every place he went, and his home was always fully decorated. Tetsurou liked it enough to go along and their tree was always the most beautiful one in the building. Their door was also the brightest one.

With all that was going on, he didn’t even have time to prepare.

Well, it was never late for a nice Christmastime. He could use a little bit of Christmas magic, he guessed.

_All of us could_ _._

**X**

**two days jump – xmas eve**

**X**

“I’m not sure how to react to this”, said a confused Sawamura while looking at the red and green box left on his doorstep. There were two cards trapped in the box’s golden ribbon. Each card had distinct handwriting and, if not for all the years of practice he had reading them, he would never know the person, or the _couple_ , who sent it.

Closing his door, Daichi settled on the couch to read the cards and to open the box. After the last events, he feared what it could mean.

In the first card, with the acceptable handwriting, there was a cat holding a flower saying “good xmas eve, ‘cause it would only be happy if u were w us”. Daichi knew how to react to that, at least. He let a small laugh escape while trying to decipher the other one. Instead of a cat, it had an owl doodle in a stickman’s shoulder with a “D-S”. It was written “bad xmas eve, ‘cause it would only be good if u came 2 tokyo”. He could only laugh more.

If the boys had only sent him the cards, he would be happy enough. But there was still a gift inside and, even if the box was empty and they did it like a joke, he still would love it. Of course, he would never tell them that. They were useless romantics as it was.

But, inside the box, there was only an envelope and some Daffodils.

_They did say it wouldn’t be a happy or a good Christmas eve,_ thought Sawamura before getting up and going to his room to grab his traveling bag.

**X**

**seven days jump – new year’s eve**

**X**

In that morning, when he first saw the small completely blood-soaked petals on the ground and their full meaning hit him for the umpteenth time, Koutarou could only think that _he was fucking tired_. More than a month passed since he first saw the petals Tetsu left behind in that horrible first morning. Almost a month since he started coughing them too.

Everything wasn’t okay. Tetsurou was a little better, his own developing alternative method to deal with Hanahaki was doing a good job. What level of nerd a guy has reached when he tests his medicine on himself?

Koutarou was too afraid to ask. But, nonetheless, the medicine was working and holding back the growth of the flower’s buds on their longs and hearts. Koutarou still wasn’t in form to go back to practice, but they were in the holidays’ recess so he would be at home anyway. It made him less sad if he thought it like an extended vacation.

Things weren’t okay yet, but they were better since Daichi had been with them since Christmas Eve. In a few hours, a new year was about to start, and they had a lot to work through it, but Bokuto could hope good things from it knowing they weren’t alone.

Sawamura slept on the couch on the first days. They didn’t sit and talk the day he came. Koutarou had just come back too. Tetsurou was the one making sure the two would stay this time.

_He hated living alone just like the rest of us_ , thought a pleased Bokuto.

They didn’t do anything physical. Their shoulders, knees, and hands would brush when passing or when they were all eating on the kitchen table, and they would relax a bit more whenever it happened.

After the sessions with his therapist, Koutarou accepted it better. It wasn’t a problem. The disease was a problem, not them. It just happened the wrong way, but they had time to make it right.

Daichi didn’t need time to know the place, where things were kept, or how to open the closet door with the kinda broken knob. He cooked better than both of them and already knew where to find the bath towels.

Koutarou was already perfectly adapted to their new rhythm. Tetsurou and Sawamura were the more scared ones this time. They kept thinking about their daily routines, the real routine outside of their holidays’ happy bubble.

The routine where Koutarou was always traveling, Tetsurou was always working late nights and Sawamura was working two to three days in a roll without pause. Koutarou couldn’t care about that right now.

They could think about it in the morning after this one. Just for these days, being together was enough.

They would see everything through in the next morning, along with the rest of the blood-soaked flowers.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Pls tell me what you think?  
> come scream about hq with me on tt [@atitforatati](https://twitter.com/atitforatati)
> 
> Thank you for tagging along and happy holidays (again)!


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